You ever get that sensation that the pain is the most real thing you know.
- Controls when you leave the house.
- Controls if you can work.
- Controls what sort of job you can have and what hours you can work even
- Controls your capacity to function.
- If you can make it to plans you made.
- If it is a day of doing things or a ‘lost day’
- How much you socialize with the outside world.
- To be honest how much you interact with reality as a whole.
It is the controlling boyfriend you cannot be rid of. It is that which controls out lives. Dictates it. That which we obey and if we do not, it punishes us. I suppose more like a tangible little mean god riding in our brains. Or a mean, testy demon riding around back there zapping us to amuse itself. We don’t intentionally think about it. It is that guilding factor though. The motivation around which we make conscious choices.
Nevertheless we do everything to manage the pain, get around the pain, plan so we can do things with the pain, so things with pacing so we can cope with the pain and learn how to cope with the pain to deal with it daily. Our lives circle around it. We consider it, factor it in, every single part of the day. And it interferes with our reality every moment of the day.
One might say it is our reality. Migraines change how we see, hear, feel, smell, react, think, talk. The pain changes how we function, think, consecrate, remember. Our reality is completely influenced by them.
We are in a bubble reality of migraine and outside is everyone else’s reality that we are trying to interact with but it doesn’t quite match up. Different operating systems. A friend tells you about their upcoming promotion and the family reunion they are going to and perhaps a trip they are planning for the end of the year. You wonder how long it has been seen you could even have ambition to aim for career advancement. How you struggle just to work a job. To get to a job. Function at a job. Financial instability is the new normal making vacations not possible unless they are very simple and even then it does not exempt migraines from coming along. And family obligations are important if they are close by, but traveling? That would be too much. Too much migraining. No down time. she is so excited. And you for her. But this is not your reality. You can’t share yours. It would be Debbie Downer. And no one wants that. We are in parallel universes. What motivates her in her life, is not the same as what motivates me. How she sees reality, isn’t how I do.
In this alternate reality I find myself so many things are important to people that are not important to me. Career: Have none. Children: None. Ambition: Can’t have that. Money: simply not in the cards.
I simply want to reduce my suffering, pace myself and cope with my pain. In my bubble reality that is the goal. Because in mine the main motivation is pain. All the things I do are guided to the goal of reducing suffering and pain… because happiness in life follows. I meditate, biofeedback, exercise, do pysio, avoid triggers, handle the migraines I get in specific ways, take the medication I need, do relaxation breathing, use migraine balms and ice… everything I can.