The other side

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There isn’t an other side to the pain. You don’t come out the other side of this hell… there is just more hell there to meet you. But it is a tunnel and maybe someday there will be light at the end of it, we just never know.

But while in our hell tunnel…  well ‘no one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell’ that we go through when we have depression with chronic pain, and we are having a hard time managing the suffering that comes with chronic pain. It is a long lonely road that makes it far more difficult to deal with the pain.

The pain itself is a burden that is difficult to tolerate and endure. Especially with daily intractable migraines. Every single day I think now This migraine is a beast. Then the next day That migraine is a monster of a beast. And I wonder how I can manage to do a damn thing when that heavy fatigue and brain dumbness hit me. And the assault on the senses makes me want to avoid the world. Is this the day I cannot stray from the bathroom for more than ten minutes? Or the day I am blinded my auras? The day I cannot eat? It is a day by day life of inches… crawling through the pain by inches. Get through. Repeat. Get through. Repeat.

Depression though is insidious. It sinks into that pain and it says a life like that? It isn’t worth living. Says you are a burden. A useless burden. It says a life of pain is a wasted, useless life. One not worth enduring. It tells you to lie down and don’t get up. To not strive. To dwell on that suffering and see how horrific it truly is. How mad it is to want to exist with it. Sometimes it lies. Sometimes it exaggerates. But it is the truths that really hit you hard. The ones you try to ignore because you need to survive the pain and not swell on it? Those truths. Depression makes you look at them. Stare at them. And realize how horrific they are.

No one said this was going to be easy. The pain. The suffering. This is not an easy person’s life. Depression stems from chronic pain. It is very dangerous. We need to treat it as such. Delicately work our way through it. Piece apart every thought. Worth through every lie and exaggeration. Acknowledge the truths, but know they are the truth of every single person with chronic pain. Hope that slowly it has less power over our thoughts. Try to distract ourselves when it is strong… when the pain is strong.

And maybe, someday, we will have more control over our suffering. Maybe not the pain. Maybe the pain will always be there, maybe not. But if it is, then at the least we can manage our suffering. One hopes and hopes.

So that out the other side… we have more than an existence… we have a life.

Wouldn’t that be nice? To strive for?

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