I am waiting on my appeal for long term disability from work and that in-itself is pretty anxiety inducing. But I was just thinking of what it would be like if it didn’t go through. What it was like working. The pain, inability function, inability to concentrate, think… the failure, the missed days.
And I was overwhelmed with a sense of despair. You know where it almost chokes you? Where it feels like you are suffocating with this horrible overwhelming sadness. I teared up and blinked them back.
It is frightening when that much despair hits you when you think about working part-time. When you think about how it felt. When you think that you might have to be in that space again of pain, depression, cognitive dysfunction… and having to function when you can’t. The guilt. Then more guilt at the inevitable failure. Then more guilt at every missed day. And how pathetic you feel. How worthless and useless. That you can’t even do a simple job. What a loser you must be.
I have the pain, the cognitive issues, depression here at home. And I struggle to do anything. But I am not forced to function for 8 hours where others are dependent on what I do and how well I do it.
It was a horrible sensation that told me to automatically stop thinking about it so as to not slippery slope myself into a depressive episode. Thoughts like that lead to dangerously dark thoughts. And deep depressions. And I know sometimes distraction is the best I can do. So after this post I am going to switch to fiction writing. I must not thinking about the failure of this appeal for my own mental well-being.