Christmas is my favorite holiday. For the obvious reasons. You get to give presents, awesome. You get presents, awesome. You get to spend time with family and have a meal, awesome. We deserve an awesome holiday in the bitter cold winter to make us happy. I have to say, I never put the Jesus in Christmas, so there is none it now. It is a complete non-religious venture for me and always has been. So don’t remind me in comments of the True meaning… the meaning for me is family and always has been.
That aside, totally not feeling it this year. Lost my younger brother passed not too long ago and will be missed at Christmas. My older brother and his girlfriend, tend to do things, well let’s just say not with our side of the family anymore. My brother does what his girlfriend values. And it isn’t us. So we likely will not see them either.
But it isn’t just that. I have been very stressed with my insurance application and lack of funds until it gets sorted. It is causes my mood to vary immensely and erratically. To a degree I don’t like. I mean when I was working one reason I felt the need to stop was I was getting to that danger zone suicidal thought wise. But feeling like this application isn’t going well, and that I might have to go back to that pain level and situation, plummets my mood all over again. Not good. I feel very sick… sicker than usual in ways that are hard to explain. Lots of pain, massive amounts of fatigue… yeah all that jazz. But just unwell.
Like the Matchbox Twenty song Unwell
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
And I don’t know why
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me