Christmas blues

We are all a little naughty and nice(1).png

Christmas is my favorite holiday. For the obvious reasons. You get to give presents, awesome. You get presents, awesome. You get to spend time with family and have a meal, awesome. We deserve an awesome holiday in the bitter cold winter to make us happy. I have to say, I never put the Jesus in Christmas, so there is none it now. It is a complete non-religious venture for me and always has been. So don’t remind me in comments of the True meaning… the meaning for me is family and always has been.

That aside, totally not feeling it this year. Lost my younger brother passed not too long ago and will be missed at Christmas. My older brother and his girlfriend, tend to do things, well let’s just say not with our side of the family anymore. My brother does what his girlfriend values. And it isn’t us. So we likely will not see them either.

But it isn’t just that. I have been very stressed with my insurance application and lack of funds until it gets sorted. It is causes my mood to vary immensely and erratically. To a degree I don’t like. I mean when I was working one reason I felt the need to stop was I was getting to that danger zone suicidal thought wise. But feeling like this application isn’t going well, and that I might have to go back to that pain level and situation, plummets my mood all over again. Not good. I feel very sick… sicker than usual in ways that are hard to explain. Lots of pain, massive amounts of fatigue… yeah all that jazz. But just unwell.

Like the Matchbox Twenty song Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me
Yeah, unwell. But of course I am indeed depressed. I suppose that does indeed factor in with all the pain I am in. Drags a person down. I know I should be excited… but I feel very tired. Of just everything. Profound mental and physical exhaustion to the depths of my being.
Not to say I am not doing things despite it. Like exercising, which is painful in itself, but yay doing it. My physio as well. Meditation. Check. Feel like I am checking off boxes of things I should be doing and then forcing myself to do them…. just because.
Yeah, doing things just because.

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