We all have migraines that exceed our capacity to cope. Mind-blowing pain. Roll up into a ball and just wait out of the pain.

Well, it so happens I have been having some high-intensity migraines this week. Not a pleasant ordeal. Just a little too many days in a row and it has made me emotionally fragile and just drained to the bone.

Yet, I had a doctors appointment and no ride to get there. The migraine at that point was sort of in the range of tolerable so I drove myself.

Mistake.

The pain from that drive was excruciating. Not the drive itself but when I got there. The pain just pounded me down to dust. I curled up in the doctor’s office waiting for the doctor and the only thing I could even think of in that moment was the moment I see her I will ask if they have triptans on hand. Because I could not drive home like that. I was stuck. The pain overwhelming me in a surge. And no way to get home. On a non-triptan day so it didn’t even occur to me to bring something. 2 days a week is all we can have for triptans. So what happens when you are slammed with intense pain? Nothing, that is what. You just have to suck it up. Work? Suck it up. Stuck in the middle of nowhere and need to get home? Out of luck. But I had to get home somehow. Didn’t I? I could not drive like that and be a severe danger on the road. God knows that would be severely horrible for me and dangerous as well.

So my doc comes in and sees me tucked in and hiding my head, to which I say, yeah I am slammed with pain. And can’t get home like this. She gives me a script for 1 triptan at the pharmacy next door to get and take so I can get home. I get that, take it and wait in my car for something to take effect.

It did take some effect. Since the migraine was full blown it didn’t fully abort it but it did cut it in half, which was sufficient to get me home.

This happens more often than I like to think about. Go to work with a 7 pain and end up with a 9 and can’t drive. Do errands and the pain just hits you like a wall and you are stuck. This is why when I am off work I do not drive. The pain. And then the added vertigo and persistent migraine auras, of course. But, damn, the pain is a factor all on its own. I hate driving with it period when I worked, but at a certain point, it is literally impossible. When you literally cannot think of anything aside from the pain, you cannot drive. Personally, I question driving at all which is why I have a preference for not, but I certainly know I cannot at that level.

Nevertheless, I loathe, absolutely, loathe getting stuck somewhere in too much pain to function at all and no way to get myself out of that situation. It is a feeling of helplessness. And a feeling I must hide the excruciating pain from others, so they are comfortable, but at the same time, I am literally in excruciating pain. I don’t know why I try to hide it, but I did the same thing when I was at that pharmacy. Trying to not draw attention to myself. Sit normally. Act normally. In the doctor’s office, alone, I was hiding my face and wrapped in a ball. Bright in those places. And there was this incessant noise from the fluorescent lights that was grating. Nevertheless, alone, you can make yourself as comfortable as humanly possible in an aggressive environment. With others around you, I feel this need to behave according to socially acceptable behavior. People cannot tolerate seeing difference or suffering. My issue or theirs, I hide it. Be stoic. Never let them see you suffer.

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