I am migraineI am shrouded in shadowsAnd hidden in caves.You yearn for the light.But you are my slave.Want to fight_I dare you.Go into the light

I went out to Olive Garden today with my common law spouse, mother and step-father for my early birthday dinner. I was on the cusp of a migraine when we left and, of course, a roaring on when we came back. I often blame the light. Or just leaving the house. Just seems to strive as soon as I want to Do something.

But then again I have daily migraines and I will get a migraine. When is the question. Early or late.

Often people have anxiety about this. When it will strike. When they are out and about. If they are going to be doing something important. This isn’t a problem for me. I don’t live in anxiety about when I migraine will occur. I figure they will happen when they will happen at the intensity they will happen and I will then deal with it in the capacity I can that day. As in if it is a day I can take a triptan, or a day I cannot.

This is the way to go. Why worry about the impending doom? It will happen or it won’t. In my case 99% chance it will happen. Just a matter of what sort of break I get before hand. Or I suppose to be honest how long the prodrome lasts for.

However, we all have times where anxiety of a migraine happens. Twice in my life this has happened to me. The first was the day I was to defend my Masters thesis. I worried I would be dumified by a migraine and be unable to properly defend my thesis. That definitely created some anxiety. I was chronic at the time but only about 15-20 a month, so there was a chance I would not. But as we know, stressful situations when we do not necessarily pay attention to food intake or hydration and Bam migraine. Or stress itself is sometimes considered the trigger. Either way, I did in fact get a migraine. However instead of the dumification I got the hyper excitability instead. Where you are all shaky, talkative and hyper. I call it my manic migraines. I assume it manifested this way due to my anxiety. I have a fear of public speaking you see. So during the prodrome and the pain I was able to actually function well enough to defend my thesis quite well. Given my terror of public speaking maybe even better than usual. But the pain after was quite intense.

The second time was pre-test anxiety for a RISR mutual fund test for work. I actually never have test anxiety, but since it was job related and at that time my migraines were quite a bit more severe… due to working, I had anxiety that a migraine would impair my capacity to succeed on the test. Given the math involved. And migraine. Again. I should not have worried.  I am just one of those people that tests exceptionally well. But migraines do impair me math wise. I know this from work. Transposing numbers. Brain fog. Just forgetting simple equations. I once did an IQ test with a migraine and it dropped my IQ from 140 to 135 (It was just an experiment and the migraine was by no means a 9)… and I assume it was the math to be honest. I remember sort of zoning out on those questions. So you can see where test anxiety would be a factor. In university I never had a problem, except when they put me on certain medications and that rather ticked me off when it affected the quality of my work.

So there will be times when anxiety of that next migraine will be a factor. Especially when we know we Need to function and we will be stressed. The reason anxiety is not normally a factor for me is because I do have to function ever single day. I have worked full time for over a decade with chronic daily migraines. So I know I have the capacity to function when I have to, to some extent. Obviously it impairs us. The more pain the more impairment. Just a fact. I generally become slower and double or triple check my work. Try to be as meticulous as possible. And still make odd little mistakes. Have issues with general communication. Forget simple policy issues. For that reason alone I am glad I downgraded my job to something simpler and less stressful to be honest. But I have the capacity for limited functionality at a 7 level of pain, and even barely functional at an 8. So there is no anxiety of getting a migraine. I wish I would not. I wish I would have a break. But I deal with it as it comes. I only have issues with 9s because of the incapacity to function and then I am sort of stranded where I am and suffering a massive amount in the process.

What we should really be doing is just living our lives and always being prepared, no matter where we are, for that migraine. Having that migraine emergency pack on us at all times and medications. Never leave home without the essentials. So maybe you will have to leave early from a social gathering but don’t let a potential migraine stop you from going to it. I deal with chronic migraines like chronic pain, like FM. I don’t let it stop me from doing the things I want to do… within moderation and my limits. And I am always prepared. I know there will be pain, but to some extent, I will deal with that pain. Because there will Always be pain. And I cannot just avoid life.