The pain is getting the best of me today. The migraines have been brutal as the weather shifts from sunny to rainy on a dime. That and knowing I have to work tomorrow with the fake smiles and the game that I have to play brings in the depression I struggle with.
My depression is directly correlated to my pain. I was diagnosed with depression related to pain. But it is more complicated that that. Due to anti-depressants and their suicidal side effects I have two suicide attempts under my belt. That was being on those medications odd-label for migraines and fibromyalgia. So due to that sensitivity I cannot take them. Due to the second attempt, which was very spontaneous and sudden, they put me on Abilify for mood control.
I have not had any suicidal intent since. No active plan. But I have had suicidal ideation. That rises and falls with high pain.
Because I want the pain to end. I want peace. Silence. Darkness. Rest. All the things I cannot have working. All the things refused to me. And I tire of this game of pretending to function. Putting on the facade of wellbeing and the fake smiles.
And my brain knows an answer to that. It craves an end to pain. It tempts me with its story of an end to suffering. It is Compelling.
I don’t listen. Even though it is smart that brain. It makes some very valid points. It knows how to get me going down that slippery slope to suicidal intent.
I can’t listen because the rules say suicide isn’t right. It hurts people. The rules say you have to learn to cope with the pain. You have to function with it. You get no rest. No silence. No darkness. The rules say you have to do things that will cause you more pain because it is the right thing to do.
I don’t really believe those rules at all. I believe I need to find my own reasons to live and stick with them. Hold onto them tightly. Fake it till I make it. And know when the pain lessens slightly I will feel better mood wise.
Nevertheless, I am in a lot of pain. My mood is low. I have to work. And I am damn tired of it all. And i will go to sleep in pain. Have a crappy sleep. And work in a great deal of pain. One more day till the weekend. One more day to make it through to earn some rest, silence and darkness that a migrainuer needs to find a least a little peace to suffer in.
Something to tell my psychologist about I suppose.