A tale of doubt

Chronic illnesshasbeatenonmy self-esteemmyself-worth.I feel ashamed for being ill and people reinforce this.I feel embarrassed and people make me feel like I should be.

I know I have a self-worth problem. It developed over time from the guilt of being in pain, missing work and being told I should feel guilty about it. Started to feel pretty worthless. Then my functionality began to suffer. Too much pain once migraines become daily with the fibromyalgia in there. Even though I was out of that negative situation I was now reinforcing those beliefs. That I was worthless because I couldn’t function. I struggled to just get to work. I missed too much and wasn’t able to be that productive when I was there. Reduced to part-time. Still had problems maintaining. Went on leave and that is where I am at now.

Problem is it causes a lot of doubt about what to do work-wise. I know I am intelligent. I know I have some capacity to think through pain, as we all adapt. What I have a problem with, daily, is reliability. The pain variability is dramatic. It can start at a 6 and amp up to a 9 in 2.5 seconds. It can be a 8 or a 9 all day long… and you can’t function or think through that pain. Reliability basically goes out the window for anything that needs consistency or doesn’t have real flexibility.

Reliability- Nope

Dependability- nope

Pain variability- yep

Pain constantly-yep

Can’t drive- yep- due to now the vertigo gets worse from driving 15 to 20 minutes. All the time. Passenger or driver, I get it. Clearly driving with it is out though.

And I now doubt my capacity to do a damn thing. It seems like the simplest of jobs I could think of I tried part time. And it didn’t work. I now have doubts about anything else. It worries me immensely.

I can write. Pain or not. I have that. Making money at it… another story.


Migraines at work?


Migraines at work are not easy to manage. With my daily intractable ones I couldn’t manage them at work. My productivity was low. My absences high.

Here, however, is an article by Teri Robert on HealthCentral about working and migraines: Tips for Handling Migraines At Work

  • She mentions things like: Anti-glare screens, a no scent work environment, keeping hydrated with water.
  • She says to take your triptan at the first sign. Because as we all know, the earlier we take it the more effective it is. Assuming it is your triptan day, of course.

I have some additions I thought of that might help.

  1. Other things I would recommend are Axon Optics or Theraspecs glasses to help with photophobia in the work environment and those evil fluorescent lights.
  2. I believe people buy diffusers they carry around their necks for scents to help with migraines like lavender, or peppermint. Something like that may help at work.
  3. Finding somewhere where you can take a nap or do some meditation would also be very beneficial.
  4. Bring with you a migraine balm and magnesium oil you can apply when you feel an attack coming on.



5 Things About migraine Your Boss Wants to Know


They can’t in general ask these questions but if they could straight up ask you about your health they would want to know.

  1. Can they accommodate you in any way? A good employer will want to know if they can change their work environment in any way to accommodate you. A bad one will not ask or shut down every suggestion you have. Been there. You can for example ask for full spectrum Fluorescent lights. An office that says no to perfumes and such. Request an office without a window. As for a privacy cover for your screen to make it darker.
  2. Are you being treated effectively? You don’t have to discuss medical anything with an employer. But they may be curious because they want to know if you are having migraines or effectively managing migraines. I have been asked this on return from leaves, so they felt it was their right to ask me.
  3. Are you able to perform your job? This is what they really want to know. No matter your health, they want to know Are you going to Perform your Job. They will assess this as you work of course.
  4. Are you reliable? Another really important thing for an employer is reliability. Are you going to come to work and be present to do your job. This is another thing they will assess as you work.
  5. Do migraines at work interfere with your job in any way and is there a way around that? Sometimes a good employer will ask if your migraines are interfering with your work and if there is something that can be done to help with that. A change in how you work. A change in process.

One thing I have noted while working is that one company treated me quite poorly due to lack of the capacity to communicate properly with someone with a disability. It caused undue stress and emotional strain on me. It really is something people should be properly educated on. However, I was not reliable and I did have problems later with my performance and migraines were severely interfering with my job. Despite the fact there literally was never any accommodation offered, it is hard to say how to manage an employee who is literally too sick to function. You need reliable and dependable people on your team, and that person simply is not me.. I was quite sick and in pain there or not. My last employer offered the opportunity of going down to a less stressful part-time position. I thought this was appropriate and should have worked, yet, unfortunately it was still too much for me to handle and that is no fault on them. It was a compromise that seemed quite appropriate to me.

Therefore, there comes a time when we have to acknowledge we cannot do the work at all. Either go on disability. Or find work we are capable of doing. I personally am looking for work I can do from home quite ardently. We want to work. We push ourselves to. But we cannot always manage it in certain situations and environments. We need to find places that work for us. And work for our employer. When we do, then we can be all that more content with blending health and work together.

Looking at working facts


I used to work with a lady with episodic migraines. She would leave work when she had one. And everyone would get this. Accommodate that. Understand it. It is a migraine, you can’t work with it.

There I was with chronic migraines, working right along with her. Unable to go home when they struck. God forbid I missed a day for a severe one even I couldn’t function with.

I get the double standard. I had chronic pain, I had to suck it up. Function. Be there. Just do it. Pretend I was cool with that. Pretend it wasn’t extremely difficult and painful. That it wasn’t giving me suicidal thoughts.

And then there is this…

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High frequency migraines and chronic migraines have the same Impact. On Income, Employment, disability. Increases in anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder. Higher rates of chronic pain, asthma, heart disease and stroke.

We have extreme problems functioning in the work place and it affects our capacity to work which leads to compromises in hours, jobs and whatever we can do and then as a result our incomes suffer. Eventually many of us, those that are daily for sure, find we cannot work at all. And I find a hard time understanding why this is surprising to anyway. Not when everyone knows a run of the mill person with an episodic migraine would Never be expected to work in that pain, nausea, sensory overload, neurological dysfunction. Do they imagine we have a ‘different’ migraine, because we do not. All we have is a way to mask the pain.

Those who can work often find a perfect niche that allows the perfect flexibility, environment and pay for them to be able to function enough to handle it. Others have to work and have no choice in the matter, and they suffer greatly doing so. Others can handle the frequency they are at with the medications they are on… in other words they are not intractable, so have some results from a medication that helps with intensity or frequency.

Some of us are intractable. Some of us have daily migraines. In what world does working make sense with those two facts?

The disability question


How long do you persist with working through pain? It is a question I ask myself all the time. There are a lot of factors to consider and I grasp them all. There is income stability. There is the factor of work helps with isolation, the sense of productivity and is emotionally and mentally beneficial. We feel good when we work. But then there is the chronic illness. The pain.

Continue reading “The disability question”

Do you call in to work with migraine?


This recent survey results discuss how people with migraines are reluctant to inform employers about them or tell them that is why they missed work.

Of those who missed work, just 42 percent said they told supervisors the truth that migraines and headaches were the cause. The reason? Most think their bosses/instructors don’t consider headaches or migraines a valid reason for being absent Reuters

And they are right to think that. When I call in sick, which I will for migraines with severe digestive issues (horrible diarrhea and vomiting), severe vertigo or 9 level pain… they still want me to come in when it is done. Like an hour later. Like an Hour Later. I want to say this is going to last 8 hours to 3 days. Generally 8-10 hours for me, sometimes 12-48 hours. No one hour show for me. Yet I force myself to go in. I take whatever medication I can and just force myself to do it, facing whatever hell that will be. Because I miss too much work. Because they do not comprehend a migraine and all the symptoms that go with it.

 While most managers (57 percent) view migraines as a good reason for missing work, 38 percent were less amenable, saying migraines either only sometimes justify calling in sick or don’t justify it at all. Managers were even tougher on headaches: While 43 percent responded that headaches could be severe enough to justify calling in sick to work, 53 percent said “no” or “sometimes” to the issue.Reuters

The poll revealed gender differences among those who missed work or school, with 67 percent of men surveyed staying home one day or more in the three months leading up to the survey, compared to just 44 percent of women. Even though men were more likely to miss work or school, they were less likely to be upfront with their employer or instructor about the reason. The poll shows that 60 percent of men did not mention their headache or migraine to their boss or instructor while most women—54 percent—did tell the truth.

I am upfront about my migraines with my employer due to the fact they are chronic migraines. I know they will have an impact whether I will or or not. Whether I want it to or not. So they need to know. Just a fact. I don’t care if they know about my other health conditions but I don’t talk about them because they have little to no impact. FM for example can flare up horribly but I’ll be at work… it isn’t the same sort of pain and therefore one I can ‘think’ through. And at a non-physical job one I can adapt to to some degree, but not to say it isn’t painful and I don’t have issues with the pain and other aspects, just that I have taught myself to ‘get through it’. Certain levels of migraines I endure because I Must, and some I just Cannot.

  • Men and women experience different types of pain. Twice as many women as men in the poll reported that they suffer from migraines (17 percent of women vs. 8 percent of men), while more men in the survey reported missing work for tension headaches (38 percent of men vs. 31 percent of women).
  • Migraines and missing work. The leading reasons people gave for missing work were migraines (37 percent), followed by tension headaches (35 percent), cluster headaches (10 percent), sinus headaches (10 percent) and other types of headaches (6 percent).
  • Personal experience counts. Those who experienced headaches and migraines themselves were more likely to say they personally feel a headache or migraine can be severe enough to justify calling in sick to work.


The one thing I hate about chronic migraines is that I can’t miss work for a migraine anymore. I used to know a lady with episodic migraines and she would miss work when she got them. Everyone was accommodating and understood. It is a migraine after all. But when you have chronic migraines, you miss work too much so it is not seen the same way. They doubt. They wonder. Why do you get that many? What is wrong or different? They are not so accommodating. Even though you are not missing work for Every migraine just the out of control pain migraines or out of control symptoms. You don’t get to miss work for a migraine. ‘Just a migraine’ is just another day. That is what I hate. It is not a pain that is meant to be functioned through and the neurological symptoms can be really messed up.

So I am not missing work for a migraine. I am going to work with a migraine every damn work day. I am missing work for a mother trucking migraine. The mother of all migraines. To have a employer not get that is not fun. I wish they had a taste of it. Just one day of the worst migraine every, with the combo platter of symptoms. I would want they to work through it and tell me how they ‘feel about that’.

I owe, I owe it’s off to work I go

Have too much ambition_ On the fast track and don't know how to get off_Try migraines.

I work part-time, now, because the pain clinic said I could not work full time. But Financially part time isn’t working for me. Either. And they do not want me on disability, for whatever reason.

Fact is I need to earn money. Preferably online in the comfort of my home where I control the enviroment and preferably a writing job. That would be the ideal. As it is I’ll take anything. Looking for admin part-time, full-time. Anything but sales. And work form home as well.

Here is the thing I missed a day at work. Because I had to. But I don’t think they get I had to. I don’t think they get pushing though the pain and working anyway to slammed by the pain and completely non-functional. They just don’t. I don’t expect them to but I get the feeling they think I am amusing myself on my sick days instead of curled up in a ball of misery. My sales have been poor because I get in a lot of pain and just do the transaction before me… and not anything else. And then when I try I am all migraine confused, befuddled and aphasia brained… it doesn’t make much sense and no one is buying what migraine brain is spitting and stuttering out. I can’t so sales anymore. Not with this pain crowded brain.

And then the guilt hits you. You let down your team. And they were likely very busy. Always the guilt.

And then you think they will find a reason to fire me. No one likes the weakest link. The sick one. The one that can’t think through the pain. Struggling to pick things up slowly. But missing too many days.

I just want to find a place and a job I can excel at with my disability. That I can feel good that I did a good job. Excel at it like I used to excel at every job.

Why don’t people pay me for my exceptional writing?

10 reasons working with migraines sucks

All ready to go to work.So is the 9 level migrainetriptan failedwhat do you do_

Let’s face it working with migraines sucks balls. No two ways about it. It just does. I could write a detailed book about how much it has sucked in various ways but I think I would have to not refer to my employer on that one.

So lets see why Does it suck:

1) Forgetting people’s names: This is massively embarrassing in customer service where you know customers for-freaking-ever and can’t manage to remember their name through the pain. But it applies to All fields when you spontaneously forget that dude you have worked with for 10 years. What was his name again? Starts with a… B? Ish… Bish. Who knows. And I wouldn’t ask and feel like a complete wad of dumb.

2) Loss of math: Loss of math skills. Complex. Easy. Just math. Gone. Got to math through haze of pain and confusion. Got to. And use a calculator. Get three different answers when I tried to confirm. Just brilliant. Migraines seem to have a special dislike for math.
Continue reading “10 reasons working with migraines sucks”

Work not working #blogboost

Have too much ambition_ On the fast track and don't know how to get off_Try migraines.

Working with chronic migraines has always been a battle for me. One that I have never really actually seemed to succeed at. Certainly one I have tried to succeed at. Certainly one doctors have tried to get me to succeed at. But not one I actually have.

This has always, always infuriated me because I have ambition. I have this sense of wanted to progress in a career. I have this desire to want to accomplish things. I also want to hold my own financially. I am a very intelligent person and I want to engage myself. Not to mention, apparently, some of my self worth is tied up in what I do. I rather established that fact when I went on a long term leave and felt sort of at a loss. That can be normal and it is difficult to find ways to fill that void. Nevertheless in my case my doctors assured me it was in my best interests, all around, to return to work part time. They said it was impossible to work full time, to wish was firmly established by me, but that it would benefit me to work part time. And of course there are a great deal of benefits to working. I enjoy getting out of the house and being in the world as it were. I like the forced routine of it that makes me get up at a certain time, and go to bed at a certain time. Otherwise my sleep cycle due to excessive insomnia is extremely erratic. To a point, and I must make that clear, to a Point, it is actually a very good pain distraction. Not to mention the all mighty financial stability, which I value immensely.

And yet, even part time.

I fail to Get to work: This is an issue. My pain levels vary like everyone’s. And there are days of extreme pain where nothing works. Or days of extreme symptoms. On these days I have missed partial days… so loaded up with medications and then made it in for a partial day, or missed a whole day. I mean, some of those days with vertigo and persistent migraine auras it wasn’t safe to drive. Some of those days I did anyway. But some I just could not. Some days because of the depression and pain, I had no willpower to do so.

I wonder if I just have to push through the pain again. But when I did That I ended up with deep, horrible bouts of depression. Due to forcing myself to exceed my pain limits. Yet this is in fact the only viable solution to this problem I have. And this is freaking part-time. I should not be having such an issue. The idea was: One day on, one day off. Makes it easier to tolerate the idea of working in pain. But the pain disagrees.

Functionality: So I get to work. Bravo for me. Well I my performance isn’t where it should be. Because when I get there I have a migraine. I have a migraine every damn day. I am just trying to not make mistakes to be honest. And damn to you get in trouble for those. So I just try to focus, focus, focus. But there is more to it than that. And I am just trying to get through the damn say. So, yeah, my sales suck balls. This job is easier than my last roll. It was meant to be. To ease my stress and so forth. And it does. But thinking through pain when that brain of yours is pretty much using 90% to tolerate the pain and only 10% to function… it is damn difficult. Thinking through mud.

I’m actually not sure what to do about this. Some days with a migraine my brain capacity seems so very low. My verbal capacity definitely suffers substantially. Sometimes I am very confused. Sometimes I am so very dizzy. It does take a lot of effort to sustain actually focusing on just general tasks. I don’t think people realize how difficult it is to function during one of these. Neurologically speaking. Not just pain wise. It reminds me of my spouse and his beloved truck that has a broken spark plug… truck is running really rough. Well I have have five broken spark plugs all the time. I barely chug along neurologically. Yes, this is difficult because I remember what my brain was like. And I have not had clarity in over a decade. God, I miss migraine free days so much. I miss the processing speed. The clarity of thought. The mental recall. Being able to use my words.